Jerks Are Only Human
"The trouble ain't that people are ignorant: it's
just that they know so much that ain't so."
– Josh Billings.
I'm sure that everyone has had an encounter with a jerk.
Just to clarify things, a jerk is someone who is dumber than you. If you don't
know very many jerks that means that many people consider you to be a jerk. To
be a jerk is not necessarily bad, everyone is someone else's jerk. A jerk is
neither good nor bad. A jerk just is.
Did you ever take the time to get to know a jerk? I mean,
did you realize that they're people too. Dumbness is not necessarily a
qualification for one fitting the jerkism category. I have known some very
intelligent jerks in my day.
It is common to have, at one time or another, said or
thought, "Hey, that persons a jerk!" But have you ever thought about
whether or not that person can help it? Maybe he was born that way. No one
knows for sure if jerkism is hereditary or not. Is it in their genes? Should a
person be ridiculed and condemned for something that they have no control over?
Is it fair? Doesn't anyone care? Do people have to stare? Do
they always get into innocent beings hair? Do they really foul the air? Do they
come only as a pair? A jerk! – where?
In honor of those afraid to stand up and admit to jerkism I
officially declare that for one week a year, from this day forward, all will
celebrate a National Jerk Week. Parades and festivities will be forthcoming.
There are many ways to celebrate this grand occasion, and
I'm sure that many more will surface once word hits Wall Street and People Magazine.
So take a jerk to dinner without laughing as food drips down
his chin. Smile at a jerk (Don't Laugh!) when she does something dumb. When a
mechanic works on your car, who you find later to be a jerk because your car
runs worse than when you brought it to him, don't say anything about the
problems, just pay with a smile. When you listen to a jerk weatherman and have
a picnic on a "beautiful day", just keep quiet and eat the soggy,
rain soaked, sandwiches. Please remember, at least for this one week, if a jerk
smiles – try to refrain from knocking out all his teeth.
If a jerk is crying for no reason – don't give him one.
If a jerk is dying of laughter – don't tell your favorite
joke to him, he probably wouldn't understand it anyway.
If you see a jerk pounding on the chest of your mother, who
is suffering, not from a heart attack, but from sunburn – calmly point out what
he is doing wrong.
If a jerk puts out his cigarette on your waterbed-- don't suffocate
him with your pillow.
If a jerk criticizes your writing – don't stab him with your
pen.
If a jerk is driving his car in the wrong direction on an
exit ramp on interstate 999 – please don't honk at him, it will only add to his
problems.
Even though a jerk is calling your mother names as he hangs
from a 2,000 foot ledge – help him.
If a jerk is taking you to lunch this week – offer to pay
half the bill.
But how does one spot a jerk if he wishes to take one to lunch
as part of one’s civic duty?
You can usually tell that it's a jerk when …
He stops you, just short of electrocuting yourself as you
reach for a light switch, because he remembers that he screwed the bulb in
backwards.
When he tells you not to worry as you see your car start to
roll, because he cut the wheel toward a brick wall so it wouldn't roll out into
the street.
When he heaves rocks through your window to see if you are
up before he knocks on your door because he doesn't want to make you mad by
waking you.
When he won't answer his ringing phone knowing that it
doesn't work, because every time he dials his own number it's busy.
He is the biggest fan of a team that is a rival of your
favorite team,
When you ask him for the keys to your car and he tells you
not to worry because they are locked safely in the car.
When he takes an umbrella into the swimming pool because of
the 100% chance of rain today.
When you realize he was going to take you to dinner this
week…
How can you tell if you are a jerk – so you can know to skip
food shopping this week?
When you are constantly lending your car to jerks.
When people are calling you weeks in advance to reserve a
dinner date with you this week.
When you step into the shower before adjusting the
temperature.
When you can't tell the time because the little “ : ” burned out
on your digital watch.
You throw out your pens when the wax runs out.
You can't tell the eminent from the facetious.
You are in charge of blindfolding the condemned man in front
of a firing squad, and when the handkerchief rips you curse by saying,
"Shoot!"
You find a ten-dollar bill in front of an apartment complex
and spend the rest of the day looking at all the mailboxes for the name
Hamilton.
You wear a windbreaker because you’re feeling gaseous.
You have a solar lighting system installed inside your
house.
You read in the dark because bright lights give you
eyestrain.
You want to wear glasses because they make you look
intelligent.
You try to fall asleep, but your vivid dreams keep waking
you.
You want to wear contacts because you want to change your
eye color.
You have at select times proved that it is possible to trip up
stairs.
You read articles by people who write about dumb things…
Leaving you Dumbfounded,
èim
Uhr
P.s. To all my readers —
Eat a light breakfast all week.
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