A DAY I N THE L I
F E
I am listening to the radio, trying to write. I remember how
unsuccessful that has been for me in the past, so I turn it off…
God, the silence is killing me…
I lean back on my chair, carefully so as to prevent the
tablet from falling off my knee. The distant sound of a barking dog and the
infrequent passing of cars, echoes in my head. I can hear an indistinct
ringing. Not sure if it's church bells or in my head, I block the sound out.
The dog continues to bark…
The smell of oil penetrates my nostrils from the oil heater
at my feet. Thank god it also penetrates my bones and gives me momentary warmth
and protection from the cold.
If there is such great warmth in Hell, then is heaven
frigid?
There are two table lamps in the room I occupy, for in this
room no overhead light exists. I write in shadows, as the light from these
lamps barely succeed in chasing away the darkness.
I like the light…
I thought I could hear the wind rustling through the
rafters, but it's just another passing car. I wonder what it would be like to
be in that car. Though I cannot see the street below me, I wish I was a
passenger in that car I hear moving by, living in his or her world – a world that I
will never know or have a chance to understand.
Would that dog please shut-up!
I look at the typewriter on my desk in front of me, smiling
at its presence. I think of all the work involved in first writing everything
in longhand, half printing and half writing, only to later two finger type it
all over on a fresh piece of paper. What a waste! I don't mind the time
involved, I just hate to see another fresh, clean piece of paper dirtied… What
a waste. Maybe I should start using my computer. But the dust has settled nicely on it and I hate to disturb it.
The blackness that engulfs my soul comes out by way of words and
spreads out to cover and taint a nice white piece of paper in the form of black. From white to a slowly growing blackness filling the page. Words defecating on the pristine white of the page, changing it forever
Maybe I should change my font color to red, or something
more happy…
It's a shame that there aren't more outlets in this room so
I could plug in all my lamps. It's a shame there aren't more outlets in my life
so I could put to use a head-full of ideas. I can barely afford to allow two of
the plugs for lamps, I need my typewriter and radio, for I am running out of
sockets. My radio is off and I'm not using the typewriter, but to exchange
plugs on a temporary basis, just for another couple of lights, would only be
extra work.
I get tired even thinking about it.
I am glad that dog has stopped barking.
The heat from the burner feels good on my body, just as the
light feels good to my eyes. I gaze upon the masses of books about, most of
which are scattered allover the floor. The biggest and heaviest of the
hardbacks are presently being used to straighten out a crinkled poster in the
middle of the floor. I think it's a picture of mass nudes on a beach, but I'm
not sure, seeing as it has been a long time since I had last seen it. It takes
a long time to straighten out wrinkles in a poster unless you could bend them in
the opposite direction for a period of time. But I am in no hurry and I don't
mind things a bit wrinkled, a little bent out of shape.
I wonder if there is snow outside. These past days have been
so cold. Running the heater continuously is a temptation, but then I would need
a steady flow of oil…
Then there is the matter of the smell…
Even after getting up to look out the window, I still cannot
tell if there is snow. Even the small amount of light the two lamps shed make the
windows look like mirrors, so the wall behind me is all I see when I look out.
I notice that the dog has not barked for quite some time as I listen to another car whizzing past. I imagine the zagged tire marks he leaves in the
imaginary snow. I'm sure the snow covers those tracks before he can see them in
his rear-view mirror. No one will ever know he has been down this street.
Possibly the dog has stopped his incessant barking because
he has escaped and found his way to the street… the car… in such a hurry…
I have a globe in this room. The Earth. Smooth. Mostly blue.
I look at it and wonder at all the water. So much water, and I – never to have
seen an ocean. The land has freckles, spotted with names and bumps, but the
water is smooth and a consistent blue, with fewer words written on it. The
words and the land dirtying the perfection of the blue. It's a nice globe,
except for the land and the writing…
I wish I would turn back on my radio, but I know I really
don't want to. It's funny how my radio just sits there next to my filing
cabinet, in which this article will also sit upon completion. God knows when
that will be! I know that if I were to open that top drawer of my filing
cabinet all the way it would topple over, probably on my radio, which really
wouldn't matter because I bet if that cabinet fell it would crash right through
the floor, taking me and everything else in the room with it. My own private sink hole. The top drawer is
the heaviest, mostly filled with supplies. If only I would keep the heavier
things in the bottom drawer there would not be the fear of it falling over. I
wish it could be better arranged but that's the way things go. Some day I will
learn. I hear floors are expensive.
The football pennants and the posters in this room give it a
sort of presence. The various posters have a pretty wide range of topics and
scenes. From spaceships to oceans and other worlds, from kittens to feathered
friends, and robots and lasers to baseball players and fields. Life to death.
I would like to see if there is snow outside, but I dare not
turn out the lights so I can see out. I notice a slight headache as I look to
the time on my watch. I can almost hear it ticking, but I can't hear that dog
that's always barking. Time doesn’t really tick, it ebbs.
I close my eyes, feeling a bit funny, but not abnormal.
If I felt fine – I wouldn’t pay it. If I felt more funny – I
wouldn’t laugh. If I felt… If only… I… felt.
My stomach is about ready for a beer or two as it's about
time for me to get ready to go out for the night.
I wonder what I'll do tonight?
‘Til
Later,
รจim
Uhr
P.S: Maybe I'll see you tonight…
Bet you won't recognize me.
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